Parenting advice: Coaching young kids in soccer like they’re adults.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Jason,” grew up playing soccer and played for his college’s soccer team. He loves soccer and still regularly plays casual games with his friends and family members. We have one daughter, “Nicole,” who is about to turn 5. Nicole watched Jason playing soccer with his friends and said that she wants to learn to play soccer like him. Of course, this thrilled Jason, who has taken it upon himself to teach her the game. Jason has also enrolled Nicole in U6 soccer for the fall. I am all for Jason encouraging Nicole’s interest in soccer.

What troubles me is the way that he plays soccer with her. Besides doing drills and teaching her the rules of the game, they do one-on-one matches. Jason does not go easy on Nicole during their one-on-one matches. He isn’t physical or aggressive, but he is an adult man and a skilled soccer player. He plays against her the exact same way he plays against his friends. I think that the way he plays is too tough, considering that in this scenario he’s up against a 4-year-old. It honestly strikes me as a bit toxic.

I raised this issue with him and noted that he seems to make it very challenging for Nicole. Jason shrugged this off and said that he learned soccer by playing against people who were much better than him, and he thinks it’s the best way for Nicole to get good at it too.However, I’m worried that his coaching style may end up backfiring and turning Nicole away from soccer (and him), since the playing field is so unbalanced. Am I wrong to think that Jason should go a bit easier on Nicole in their one-on-one matches?

—Kicking and Screaming

Dear Kicking and Screaming,

I’m a youth basketball coach who coached both of my daughters when they were Nicole’s age, and I was the captain of my college basketball team, so I think I’m a good person to ask. I’m telling you right now that what Jason is doing is a bad idea.

To be clear, there is a time for coaches and parents to “go all out” against kids, but it definitely isn’t when a kid is about to turn 5. This is the time for children to learn the rules of the game, get a grasp of the fundamentals, and, most importantly, have fun.

My daughters are 10 and 12, respectively, and if I went at them with all I had when they were kindergartners, they would hate the game and probably hate me in the process. Sure, we played one-on-one games in the driveway, but in doing so, I ensured I went only a fraction of my normal abilities. For example, if they were in first grade, I’d play as hard as a second grader in order to challenge them, but not demoralize them. Now they are both exceptional basketball players who love the game and still love me for supporting them along the way.

I should also note that there are some younger kids who actually enjoy the type of coaching Jason is doing with Nicole. Granted, from my over 10 years of experience as a youth coach, I can count those kids on one hand, but they definitely exist. You need to determine if Nicole is enjoying this challenge and if so, keep a close eye on her while it plays out. If you see her becoming sad, demoralized, or detached from the game, then you should tell Jason to back off a bit.

I know that Jason’s heart is in the right place, and I’m all for raising tough kids, but treating a 5-year-old as if she’s training for the World Cup is silly at best and damaging at worst. The secret sauce of youth coaching is that if you make a sport fun for kids, they’ll want to work hard at it to become better. Speaking from the experience of watching countless parents throughout the years, pushing kids too hard too early usually results in burnout and resentment. Don’t let that happen to Nicole.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I live adjacent to a pretty low-income area, and this summer, a couple of kids (10-year-olds, I’d guess) have started stopping by my house. They’ll ask for a water bottle or chips or to do chores for money. I’ve started stocking snacks and Gatorade and Popsicles and paying them a couple of dollars to do “chores” like make art with sidewalk chalk in front of my house. Their visits are getting more frequent, and I think we’re starting to build some trust. How do I transition into asking some harder questions like if they’ve got enough food at home and if they’re safe? Should I even ask these questions or just continue on as is, providing food when they stop by but not getting more involved? If they say they don’t have enough food, what should my next step be?

—Summer Snack Provider

Dear Summer Snack Provider,

This is a perfect demonstration of the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” In a self-absorbed world where many people care only about themselves, it’s a breath of fresh air to see what you’re doing for these children. Life would be more pleasant if more people followed your lead in being a good neighbor.

That said, yes, I think you should start to inquire into these kids’ home lives. It’s 2023, not 1983, when it was normal for 10-year-olds to walk around neighborhoods unsupervised. Heck, I live in a nice neighborhood, and I get anxiety when my 10- and 12-year-olds go to the end of the driveway to pick up the mail. We live in a different world now than when I was growing up, and I would be very concerned if I repeatedly saw young kids walking around unsupervised looking for jobs to get food and water.

You don’t have to be overly coy with your line of questioning. Simply ask, “What are your parents doing right now? I’m happy to give you this bag of chips, but do you have enough food at home? Everything OK there?” Using those three questions as a starting point will give you a good amount to go on—and even nervousness around answering is information.

If you find out that a lack of food is an issue at home, you can take the initiative and ask if you could send some groceries home with the kids or drop off some meals at their house in an effort to be a good neighbor and to become friendly with the adults in the home. The kids will probably be quick to let you know if that’s a good idea. And of course, I wouldn’t fault you for contacting the proper authorities if you learn that something nefarious is going on, such as obvious abuse—but you need to be 100 percent sure before you take actions that would turn these kids’ lives upside down forever.

When in doubt, always advocate for children who cannot advocate for themselves.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law tends to be anxious and wants incredibly specific instructions when she babysits. I do my best to overprepare, but it’s never enough. Last week, my in-laws returned our toddler with the wettest diaper I’ve ever seen—falling off, pants soaked through—and my mother-in-law’s explanation was that I hadn’t specifically instructed her to change a diaper, so she hadn’t done it. She said that next time I should write down exactly what time the diaper should be changed so she could set a timer. (It should be changed … when it’s wet or dirty? I don’t know what time that will happen!) My husband says we just need to work even harder to make things easy for his mom, but it’s getting to the point that I worry something actually bad will happen if I forget to spell out something that seems self-explanatory to me (“you need to hold her hand when crossing the street”). I would rather hold off on having them babysit until my daughter is old enough to better advocate for herself. But I don’t particularly like my in-laws for other unrelated reasons, so I’m looking for an outside perspective: Are my concerns way off base?

—Is It Rocket Science?

Dear Rocket Science,

I have no idea what your other reasons are for disliking your in-laws (though many, many readers of this column seem to have one!), but the problem you described here would be enough to keep them from babysitting my children.

It’s worth stating, as always, that I’m not a mental health professional, so you can take my opinion for what it’s worth—but I’m also someone who has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and this certainly looks like one to me. In no universe would it seem reasonable to keep a baby in a heavy diaper for hours because step-by-step instructions weren’t left regarding when or how to change her. I mean, it’s safe to assume she changed diapers before when she was raising young children, right? The rules haven’t changed in that regard. There is clearly something going on mentally with your MIL that is keeping her from taking action, and that instantly becomes your problem whenever she’s solely responsible for caring for your daughter.

So, the short answer is no, your concerns aren’t off base in the slightest. Actually, I think you would be irresponsible if you kept things as they currently are. You know that there is no possible way you could list every single variable that could happen during the course of a day of child care without it rivaling War and Peace in length. Also, if we’re keeping it real: Even if you went through the lengths of tackling that intense exercise, she would probably complain about something that wasn’t included. It’s just not worth it.

Also, you mentioned that you want to wait until your daughter is at the age to advocate for herself, but I don’t think it’s fair to put that kind of pressure on a child. The goal of babysitting is to have an adult or teenager monitor the behavior and safety of the child, not the other way around. For example, there are plenty of 8-year-olds who forget to look both ways before crossing a busy street, and that could mean the difference between life or death. The point is that if your MIL isn’t up for the task now, then she probably won’t be years unless she seeks professional help for her anxiety issues.

In the meantime, I would suggest letting her enjoy some time with your baby in your presence and have her witness that diaper changing, feedings, and playtime aren’t complicated events. Maybe she’ll come around eventually, but I wouldn’t leave her alone with your daughter until she demonstrates that she doesn’t need an instruction manual for it.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a brother-in-law, “Todd.” Todd’s a bit weird, for lack of a better term. He’s not a bad person, by any means, but he’s the sort who works temporary jobs for six months to a year, saves up his money so he can go live in a shack up in the Montana wilderness, and basically stays there, hunting, doing a bit of horticulture, and hiding away from society until his supplies and money run out, at which point the cycle restarts. He will visit every few months, but other than that, he generally keeps to himself. All of this would be strange, but not worth asking advice over; I doubt he’s going to change his lifestyle at this point.

The problem is with my 11-year-old daughter, “Layla.” Layla is fond of her uncle, and last time he visited (back in February) he gave her a present: a flute he carved out of a deer’s leg bone from when he went hunting last fall. Layla likes music, and she was fascinated by the instrument, and for months she would constantly talk about how it gets different pitches from woodwinds made out of actual wood, or how, because of some of the carving, it can’t quite hit all the notes she can get with other instruments. Todd’s visited again and this time, for the past few days, he and Layla have been going over carving techniques, as she wants him to bring some bones back so she can try making her own instruments, especially knowing exactly what sounds she wants to be able to get out of them.

The thing is, I hate that flute. It’s so grisly looking, and I’m certain that at least one of the reasons she likes the flute so much is how much it freaks out her friends. And now my daughter wants to make more of those hideous things. I probably should have put my foot down with the original one, but my husband thinks it’s a grand idea for an “unconventional” hobby, and Layla does want to see it happen, so I need something extra to make them see reason. How do I stop this madness?

—The Only Sane One Left

Dear Sane One,

With the disclaimer that I am definitely not a hunting enthusiast, I think you have every right to put your foot down on this, because there are an unlimited amount of unconventional hobbies Layla can participate in that don’t require killing animals to make music while making others uncomfortable in the process. You should start by telling Todd that he needs to quit with the bone flutes, but that he can work with Layla on how to duplicate the sound by using wood, rocks, or anything else without a heartbeat.

Sure, Todd’s eccentric, but if he’s reasonable, he should respect your wishes. Also, sometimes you have to play the “bad cop” with your kids and tell them what you’re not OK with. In doing so, Layla may be upset with you, but she will come around eventually. It’s not like you’re saying she can’t play music anymore; you’re just setting a boundary regarding the type of tool she can use. That seems like a fair compromise to me.

—Doyin

Our oldest daughter is nearing 40 and frustrated by her lack of prospects in having a husband, a home, and a child. Her standards are profoundly high: must make six figures, be 6 feet tall, and no previous marriages or children. She is divorced herself. She is a very driven career woman and works 60-hour weeks regularly. She announced to her father and me that she will be proceeding forward as a single mother and getting a sperm donation. We were happy but hesitant. That quickly turned to horror when our daughter told us she was looking to move back home with us …