Grammar Moses: On adult diapers and causation v. correlation

I came across a magnificent case of pareidolia the other evening when I was cutting up veggies for dinner. You can almost hear it screaming. Jim Baumann | Staff Photographer

I try to be a positive force both in this column and my workaday life, so I was surprised to find this email from Mark Taylor in my inbox:

"Look at this headline with a triple negative: 'Harder to avoid virus when tests aren't free?' I think it means, 'Tests are no longer free, so the virus is making a comeback.' I see now that this article is from The Washington Post, so maybe your editors simply adopted their headline along with the story."

I wasn't on the debate team in high school, because I would have been that kid who was a deer in the headlights, drooling instead of counterpunching, but I do like a good, reasonable, respectful discussion these days.

Mark has a point. but I believe I have a better counterpoint. Let the verbal jousting begin.

We could use the Post's headline, but they generally are too long for our purposes. And in this case, the story was in a 1.5-column off-lede position, meaning it ran in a vertical spot on the right side of the front page. That's usually a tough fit for a headline writer. Given an off-lede's importance on the page -- a lot of heavier news lands there -- the type tends to be larger and bolder. When you squeeze larger type into a headline that size, you run short of space pretty quickly.

Good luck finding "Schaumburg" in an off-lede headline.

So we turn to shorter words, because we NEVER break a word over two lines in a headline.

Headlines generally should not go longer than five decks, and question headlines are proven to attract readers' attention. We really want people to read our stories.

Finally, in this case the story is about how there has been an uptick in COVID infections since June, when the government stopped mailing out free COVID-19 instant tests to homes.

It seems likely that because COVID tests cost $12 a pop and you have to go out and get them yourself now, fewer people -- notably people for whom $12 is more than pocket change and who generally have the kind of jobs you can't do from the comfort of your home office -- will be self-testing.

And with fewer people self-testing, the likelihood that COVID will spread increases.

In summary, "Harder to avoid virus when tests aren't free?" doesn't draw a conclusion because the story and the research don't draw a conclusion. They show correlation but come up short on causation.

And we don't want to overstep.

Mark's version -- "Tests are no longer free, so the virus is making a comeback" -- says one causes the other, so I believe it overreaches a bit.

As for triple negatives, Mark does make a good point. If you as a reader have to count up the negatives to determine whether something is or is not happening, the writer has blown it. But in this case, the picture it paints is pretty clear. As you know, the most important thing to me is clear, unambiguous writing.

Unless, of course, I delve into double-entendres and it's intentional.

"I thought of you, and the way you explain grammar in your column, when I saw a TV commercial for 'fancy' diapers," writes Jane Charmelo. "Yep, diapers. The woman in the commercial claims this brand of diaper is so good that it results in 'less' diaper changes overnight. She probably wants to sleep through the night herself. I think it is 'fewer' diaper changes.

I cannot explain it myself, but know it when I see it. 'Fewer migraines,' 'less waste.'

That's easy to explain, Jane.

"Fewer" goes with countable things: shirts, peanut butter sandwiches, nuclear wars and diapers.

"Less" goes with uncountable things: water, pollution, goodwill.

The tricky part is that you'd say: "I'd waste fewer gallons of water if I took quick showers rather than baths."

Why? Because while "water" is not countable, "gallons" are, and that's what you're modifying.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/executive editor of the Daily Herald. You can buy Jim's book, "Grammar Moses: A humorous guide to grammar and usage," at

grammarmosesthebook.com. Write him at [email protected]

and put "Grammar Moses" in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.